Freedom? I wonder what that feels like…

Let me start by saying I’m not good.  I’m not good at all. I’m celebrating my son and his accomplishments thus far in life but I’m so easily reminded of all the hurt and anger in my heart.  I’m pissed and my heart is broken.  There is more I’m feeling but I honestly don’t know how to put it into words.  I feel like I should be doing something but I don’t know what.   I’m trying to control the hate that is building in my heart but I’m having a hard time.  I’m trying to decide how to address this (YET AGAIN!) with my children but I don’t know how.  I have three boys.  THREE!  (One I birthed and I got 2 bonuses) How do you explain this life to them?  You don’t want to scare the shit out of them but you want them to be knowledgeable and aware of what’s going on.  WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU DO?  I’m so tired.  

June 19, 1865.  That’s the day they say we were all free.  All slaves were free as of June 19, 1865.  But were we?  I don’t feel free.  Or maybe I’m working with a different definition of “free”.  How are you free when you have to live by a different set of rules just to make sure you go home safely every day?  How are you free and you have to constantly explain why injustice is injustice? How are you free when there is totally different hand book on how you a treated versus how white people are treated?  How are you free when your people can be murdered and mistreated with no consequences?   How are you free when you are afraid to let your kids ride their bike in their own neighborhood?  HOW?  Do any of you white people ever feel like that?  

They really out here killing us with no remorse and no consequences.  The same way they have always done it but they say we are free?  How is it white people can shoot up schools, churches, etc and are alive and well to actually stand trial, but unarmed black people die every day.  And for what?  Then they go hard with protecting the murders. Are you really arresting these assholes or giving them a safe place?  I have so many questions.  I’m all over the place.  I tell myself I need to mentally get away.  No news. No social media.  Then you feel like you need to know what’s going on.  You need to be informed but you don’t want to be informed because the shit is too much.  WHAT DO YOU DO?

Then you ask why?  Why do they hate us so much?  They can’t use the “they are criminals” bullshit because every race has a little of all of that…EVEN WHITE PEOPLE!  Then you remember how fucking great black people are!  We are amazing!  We are everything they wish they were.  Since day one they have tried to hide our history so we wouldn’t know our true power.  If they can teach you who you are then you are forever enslaved.  We have to take that power back.  We have to study who we are.  Are we afraid to be powerful? Are we afraid to be great?  Are we enslaving ourselves?  Have we allowed them to teach us how to enslave ourselves?  What the fuck is going on?

Black people are so quick to show support and empathize with others when they are mistreated because we know how that shit feels. I mean, we will go hard backing others. But what about us? It’s rare that we ever get any support or empathy from others.

I don’t have any answers.  I don’t know what to do.  I do know I’m tired of seeing videos, hashtags, tshirts, etc.  I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to see what’s wrong with all of this.  Why is it so hard to see how unfair it all is?  Then I tell myself it’s not hard to see, they see this shit clear as day.  They don’t want to change anything.  They don’t want things to be better.  They like it just the way it is, so they act as if it’s nothing. 

I’m hurt.  I’m really hurt. This shit hurts so bad. I feel everything so deeply.  The hurt gets deeper every time.  What makes it worse is that we are only as free as they will allow us to be and THAT is the fucking problem! WE HAVE TO CHANGE OUR MINDSET! PAY ATTENTION AND REDIRECT OUR ATTENTION! YOU DON’T HAVE TO BUY EVERYTHING THEY’RE SELLING! IT’S TIME TO UNLEARN SOME SHIT! I love y’all and please be safe.

Shit has got to change!