Swim Through It NOT Over It…

What’s up ya’ll.  I have 100% not been feeling myself lately.  It happens from time to time but I’m normally able to pray, meditate, and “affirmation” myself out of it.  This time was difficult.

I was talking to BFF about what was going on in my head and heart.  I’m pouring it all out, crying and snotting all over the place (I have a REALLY ugly cry).  I mentioned to her that I had written two blogs that I have not posted because I didn’t feel like what I was writing about.  I didn’t feel strong, fearless, confident or anything.  She asked me why don’t I write about how I’m feeling.  She went on to say how she thought it would be a good idea to share this feeling.  Then she told me I was having a 20 watt day!  LOL!  (If you have not read my previous blogs you will not get it).

THEN, I get on Instagram yesterday and see that another friend made a post to shout her friends and family who were “making things of their own work for them”.  She tagged me and had me listed under the topic of Inspiration and Self Healing.  Next to my name she said “All things about self identification, self awareness, and living YOUR best life peacefully”.  I ain’t gone lie ya’ll…I cried.  I cried for a couple reasons.  One, because that was so awesome of her to do that!  I love when women support women just because.  It’s like saying, “I see you girl!  Keep that shit up!”  Sometimes, that is just what you need! People not big on supporting you especially if they got to read something.  

The second reason I cried is because I didn’t feel like anything she said about me.  I was literally curled up on the couch, shoulder in pain, in my feelings, in my head, just having a real “I don’t like myself” moment.  That’s when I told myself…”No ma’am! Get your ass up and get your shit together!”  And then my BFF reminded me that I am human and that pissed me off!  Human doesn’t work me, ya’ll humans make my head hurt. I’m more of an alien type. Mmmmkay!  LOLOL!!!  Just kidding, I love ya’ll.  Sometimes….

Anyway…what in the hell is wrong with me?  Chillllllleeeee…EVERY DAMN THING!  Again, no major details here, I gotta save that for this book I’m working on.  It’s gonna change the world!  🙂  But seriously, that’s what it feels like.  New shit bothering me, old shit bothering me, work shit bothering me, dumb shit bothering, I’m bothering me, just crazy as hell. Then you start questioning every aspect of your life and wondering “what in the hell am I doing? Why do I keep ending up in this mental and emotional space?” Sometimes you feel even more crazy because outside looking in, you should be super happy…but inside out, you are not.

As I sat down to write this I remembered my favorite scene from Finding Nemo.  It was the scene when the school of fish told Dory when they come to the trenches “swim through it not over it”.   First, lets define trench.  According to Google, a trench is a long narrow ditch; deepest part of the ocean floor.  I don’t know about ya’ll but to me a trench sounds a lot like an anxiety attack. LOL!  Back to Finding Nemo…so they get to the trench and Marlin wants to swim over it.  Dory tells him that she doesn’t think they should swim over it; they need to swim through it. Remember, Dory has short term memory loss so she can’t remember why she feel the way she feels.  Of course swimming through it looks scary; it’s a long narrow ditch at the bottom of the ocean floor.  So Marlin tells Dory no, they will swim over it and he heads for the top.  

Dory follows and when they get to the top it looks great!  More light, spacious, beautiful.  Not so much.  At the top was a full blown jellyfish forest and Dory wanted to play with them all, not knowing how dangerous they were (sounds like some of ya’ll dumb asses don’t it. I am dumb asses too! LOL)  Long story short, they get through the jellyfish forest…BARELY!  Dory was stung multiple times and she died (a little) but she survived.  Moral of the story, everything that looks good ain’t good for you.  I know we have heard our grandmothers or mothers say this a thousand times.  Dory has told you and now I’m telling you and reminding myself.  The other moral to the story, always listen to that little voice inside you, even if you don’t why. That small faint voice that causes so many feelings in your body…that’s the God in you. Listen to it!

The easy way ain’t always the best way.  You have to go through the mess.  Or grow through the mess as some say now.  It’s looks scary and it may give you anxiety but when your gut, your intuition, the God in you speaks, you have to listen.  Think of the school of fish as your messengers, your ancestors, dropping off information you will need for a later date.  That day comes and you’re like “wait a minute. Something doesn’t feel right.”  Listen to that voice!!!  We have been equipped with everything we need to make smart decisions but we constantly doubt ourselves because we don’t believe in ourselves.  And we wonder why we have anxiety! Because you told yourself to do the opposite of what you are doing and now your body is responding.

Now, let’s be clear. I’m not saying that by listening to that voice you ever go through any mess. You will, but it won’t be as bad. Trust me!

We always want the quick, easy, and safest way.  Sometimes we have to go down that long narrow ditch and tap into the deepest parts of ourselves.  That’s a different kind of scary.  You may die a little bit going through it but it’s a different kind of death.  It’s more of a resurrection.  A part of you has to die to reveal your highest self.  I’m telling ya’ll what I know, and it ain’t easy. I’m in the trenches RIGHT NOW! And if I must admit, I’m scared, I’m frustrated, I’m hurt, I’m mad, and I have a lot of anxiety.  But I also know in order for me to get to the next level of myself I have to go through this.  

I normally don’t share things like this but my bestie brought up a good point about letting ya’ll know this side of me as well. I want to be real and I want to be truthful.  And the truth is sometimes the most positive strongest people get weak.  Sometimes you can put so much into uplifting others and making others feel good you forget about yourself.  You try so hard to make sure others know their worth because you know what it’s like to feel worthless.  But you have to take care of yourself Quisa!  Yes, I am talking to myself and just sharing it with ya’ll.  🙂

We have to stop avoiding things and conversations just to make others comfortable.  If something is bothering you, say it.  If you don’t want to do something, don’t.  You don’t want to be somewhere, leave.  Do what makes you happy…period!  This may change people’s view of you or you may be looked at as selfish, heartless, unappreciative, etc but it’s your life.  You are the CEO of your life! Run it accordingly. Pray, meditate, regain your strength, remember who you are and push through.

Remember, “when you get to the trenches, swim through it NOT over it!”

It’s above me now! 

LOL! Sorry, I had to say that!  Go be great on purpose!

I love ya’ll.