Moment of clarity…

I was listening to Jay Z’s song “Moment of Clarity” the other day and felt the urge to be transparent. Just a little.

Sometimes my fiancé and I talk about past relationships. When I tell him some of things I have experienced in these relationships he is always shocked and like “I can’t believe you put up with that! I don’t see you accepting things like that!” And I have to remind him, the person I am today would have never accepted those things. Back then I was lost, confused, didn’t love myself, looking for acceptance and validation from a man (due to daddy issues), so I accepted whatever version of love they gave me.

I always felt the need to fight for it too! Let me prove to you that I’m good enough. I would put up with shit and accept all kinds of mess to show them I’m here for you! I got your back! Dumbest shit I ever did! Boundaries, Marquisa! Boundaries! LOL!

My best friend, Nicole, always pointed out that bad habit. And she would ask why I would run if it came easy. Hell I don’t know! Shit like that don’t come easy. At that point I was still craving love, attention, affection, and acceptance from my dad. I wasn’t getting that, so why would some random dude give it to me. Sooooo…..yea…I’ll just take what I can get. Dumb I know. But that was my life.

I won’t go into details about my relationship with my dad…AT THIS POINT…but I will say, he is NOT a horrible person he just got shit to work on and work through like everybody else in this world. No judgements, just writing what I feel. So we will stick a pin in that for now….but stay tuned 😯😆

So finally I spent some time with Marquisa. Got to know her a little bit and was blown away! This chick was fucking amazing! She completely knocked me off my feet! I fell head over heels in love with this chick. This chick is me! I am she! LOL! Seriously, that is how it happened.

I started this journey to me, then I got a pharmacy auditing job that required me to travel…ALONE! *insert mini-panic attack* I was excited and so damn scared! Be by myself! In cities I know NOTHING about?! I was in Florida for a few weeks, Philadelphia for couple weeks, Seattle for a week (My favorite!!), then some weeks in Nashville, Chattanooga, and Knoxville. Each city brought new challenges but I handled it like a champ! No one knew how scared I really was or how much I would cry but I eventually got over myself. That job ended up being one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. It forced me to be alone and get to know me and showed me I can do damn near anything and I can do it BY MYSELF! Who would have known! I grew up a lot working that job and self love and acceptance increased dramatically!

From there I continued to grow. I still did stupid shit along the way but I was still growing. It got to a point where I preferred to be alone. I planned to get my son out school then get a Doberman name “Thor” and just have a friend to kick it with when I wanted to! Then here he comes……….Mr. Fiancé! LOL!!

You know how old people always say “the minute you stop looking he will come”…they may be on to something. He did not come until I was ready. Well, kinda ready. Well, more ready than I was in the past. 🤦🏾‍♀️ I’m still growing people…chill out! LOL!

You have to learn to love yourself, be with yourself, accept yourself before you can really be in a relationship. Nothing about it is easy and you learn new things about yourself everyday, but it is so worth it. I will say my fiancé is getting the best version of me and I know I’m getting the best version of him! Well maybe not the absolute best because we are growing and learning everyday! But we are putting in the work and AGAIN, that shit ain’t pretty or easy.

He started most of his work after we were together! Initially I was like HELL NAW! I’m not doing this! Lol! (Sorry babe) But my spirit kept telling me not to give up because this time it was worth the fight! And I’m glad I listened! He didn’t walk out on me and mess either. Cause I got plenty! LOL!Sometimes it takes somebody else showing you a better way. Sometimes all the bullshit you went through pays off when you can help someone else get through their bullshit. And sometimes you just need someone who is willing to love you past your pain. I have A LOT, I mean A LOT…did I say A LOT of emotional baggage I’m working through. But what I found is that in loving and accepting me, I was able to love and accept all of me…the good, the bad, and the ugly! So now I can face it and work through it. Instead of suppressing it and not dealing with it. That will eat you alive!

I have had so much help along my journey. There is one person I know I bothered so much. OMG! I’m shocked she is still my friend! LOLOL! She always listened, she always supported me (right after she cussed me out) and she always loved me. I know she got tired got of me. Hell I was sick of myself at times but hey thats what friends are for! You know who you are but just in case you don’t…you are Nicole! LOL!

Anywho, the way my friends and family were there to give me whatever support I needed, I want to give the same to as many people as possible! But y’all have to want to do the work! You have to start somewhere. So many of us are so hurt and angry and bitter and putting all these bad ass vibes into the universe! (I think sage maybe my natural scent because I burn it so much!) We have to do better. We gotta drop these 20-watt attitudes! You should want better for yourself. I want to quit my journey everyday (sometimes) but I know it’s making me better regardless of how hard it gets…I AM WORTH IT!!! And you are too!

I love y’all! Go be great on purpose! And I mean that shit!